Tuesday, May 24, 2011

lost and found...

I wrote some of this months and months ago when I was feeling a little lost.  I'm not sure why I didn't post it but I think maybe it is because it felt too raw.  Now that I'm feeling a little more grounded I think I'm ready to share...

My time in Australia has been a series of highs and lows.  I've felt lost, sad, and lonely and I went looking to the dictionary to find the definitions of the words...

Lost : 
unable to find one's way, not knowing ones whereabouts
unable to be found
(of a person) very confused or insecure or in great difficulties
denoting something that has been taken away or cannot be recovered
having perished or been destroyed

wow… that explains a lot

very similar to loss

the fact or process of losing something or someone
the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value
a person or thing that is badly missed when lost
(( at a loss))
puzzled or uncertain what to think, say or do

How a simple dictionary definition can express so clearly how I've felt at times.  This new life is the adventure we'd been talking of for so long.  I wonder what the definition of adventure is?

n. an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous experience or activity
daring and exciting activity calling for enterprise and enthusiasm
engage in hazardous and exciting activity esp. the exploration of unknown territory

Then you can see my problem - I am all at once experiencing being lost / feeling loss and being in hazard on a adventure… one in which I need enterprise and enthusiasm

project or undertaking typically one that is difficult or requires effort
initiative and resourcefulness

having the ability to find quick and cleaver ways to overcome difficulties

So the result is that I have undertaken something to which I need specific skills - some of which I don't have…. I've come unprepared for the tasks I'm experiencing and without my friends and family safety net.

The thing is I've always WANTED TO BE the kind of person who goes on adventures and lives in another part of the world. I think sometimes I am this person and sometimes I'm just not.  Sometimes I just want things to go back to being easy and reliable and comfortable.

Some people told me I was brave to move my family to Australia… and I think I am.  I'm able to imagine the possibility of success in this… to be able to embrace all it entails and come out at the other end- DARE I SAY... HAPPY!

Cin cin (cheers)!

1 comment:

  1. I completely understand how you must be feeling. Right now, being away from home, I know we will be going back even if it's just for a few months and that's what keeps me feeling a little grounded right now. I can only imagine the "ups and downs" of living in another country indefinitely? Do you have any plans of coming back?
    Are you able to make any new friends in Australia? At least they speak the same language. In Poland there are no hopes of making friends unless I were to learn the language and even then, they are very closed off people and most are down right unfriendly.
    Hang in there, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and braver than you know.
    Miss you and the rest of the "gang"!